Truth: Crazy Stories from the Week I Couldn't Make Up If I Tried

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As you know, my school is a Catholic school, and so, teachers are asked to help in the planning of liturgies and masses throughout the academic year.

The girls and I like participating. 

 For example, once the girls got to do collection (walk around with the handled baskets to collect donations),

and another time in December, they got to light the Advent candles on the Advent wreath

(it was the second Sunday of Advent, so they each lit one).

I signed up long ago to help with our school mass in March, not really knowing what the March mass was.

Before March Break, we realized that we were planning for Palm Sunday.  Yikes!

Palm Sunday is an involved mass.

Students prepared the readings, the choirs prepared the spiritual music, and I helped to coordinate along with other teachers.

On Palm Sunday, we also read the Passion. 

Normally, the priest takes full responsibility with the Gospel, but on Palm Sunday, readers help to read the Passion because it has a lot of dialogue. 

I asked two other teachers to help me out, and I took on the role of the narrator.

Originally, the girls and Eli were going to help me carry the offertory gifts before communion, too, but Eli caught my cold (only worse, because... well, because it was him sick, now). 

Gramma came to the house to watch the girls because I didn't want to have to do the Gospel reading and leave the girls unattended in the pew.

Oh.  Didn't I mention?  The Passion was twelve pages long!

So, quickly after mass began, Gospel time approached, and I took my spot in front of the congregation at the lectern.

I read.

The narrator reads a lot.

Sometimes entire pages at once.

Then, somewhere about nine or ten pages into the Passion, my voice faltered.

Remember, I was getting over a cold.

Shake it off, I told myself.

Tick tock.  Tick tock.

So, I swallowed, and kept reading.

Tick tock.  Tick tock.

My voice cracked.

Tick tock.  Tick tock.

I coughed.

Tick tock.  Tick tock.

I hacked.

Tick tock.  Tick tock.

I coughed.

One of the servers discretely rushed over with a small glass of water.

I gratefully gulped it down, and collected myself.

Tick tock.  Tick tock.

I began to read, but I croaked.

Tick tock.  Tick tock.

A tear began to run down my face.

Tick tock.  Tick tock.

I could barely breathe.

Tick tock.  Tick tock.

I looked at the server with a look of desperation.

Water?

Tick tock.  Tick tock.

She rushed over and whispered, "I would read for you, but I forgot my glasses."

Tick tock.  Tick tock.

I looked out into the sea of faces watching me as I struggled to breathe and read. 

Tick tock.  Tick tock.

Surely, I would get help from a colleague.

Tick tock.  Tick tock.

They were all glued in their seats.

Tick tock.  Tick tock.

What is the protocol? 

Can they just jump up and take over? 

Would I be more embarrassed?

Tick tock.  Tick tock.

I smiled, and croaked out the next four lines.

Tick tock.  Tick tock.

Then, I saw movement in the congregation.

It was a Palm Sunday miracle!

One of the youth ministers rushed over and offered to take over.

I nodded.

I quietly got down, calmly walked to the back of the church, and hacked up a lung in the bathroom.

Afterwards, EVERYONE came up to me with an excuse why they didn't come to rescue me, and I have to say, I wasn't one bit offended.

It was funny, really. 

It's not like I embarrass easily, or have a fear of public speaking.

But, it was the longest two minutes I've ever experienced in church.

Tick tock.  Tick tock.

It felt like at least ten minutes before I was rescued.

- - - - - - -

Yesterday, we had a lovely spring day in Yellowknife. 

The sun was shining, and I think the temperature went above zero degrees.

I decided to take my students outside for a class, because we've been cooped up inside so often this winter.

The middle school kids were happy and playful.

Some of them organized a snow soccer game.

Some other tried to swing on the swings that seem really really low with the high accumulation of snow.

Some others decided to play Grounders on the play structure.

And, they asked me to play.

"Miss, will you play Grounders with us?  Please?"

Because they were expecting me to say no, I, of course, agreed.

I almost always join in with their games.

They explained the rules: 

Grounders is like tag, only the person who is It can only have their eyes open if they are standing and walking on the ground. 

If they decide to come on the play structure they have to close their eyes.

I commented that it sounded perfectly safe.

They laughed.

One boy said, "That's sarcasm."

I nodded.

Also, if the person who is It yells out "Grounders" while on the play structure (and his or her eyes are closed), and another player is, in fact, on the ground, then that person is "Out" and becomes "It."

As the teacher, I couldn't lose face.

I ran like a crazy person to keep away from which ever kid was It.

Then, I got in a compromising position.

The person who was It was closing in on me, so I quietly slid down the twisty slide, and jumped over to the wooden ladder before I heard, "Grounders!"

I was safe.

So, I scurried over to the other side of the equipment to climb back up.

Except, instead of scurrying, I ran flat out into the bottom of the wooden play structure, hitting the top of my head.

Crack!

(Remember, the snow is high, so it seems like the equipment is low.)

Disoriented and in pain, but hearing the students busting a gut, I collect myself and turn to hurry out.

Crack!

I ran into a hanging tire bridge nose first!

The kids were losing it, laughing.

Wow.  Coolest teacher ever.

I got tagged, just then.

Another teacher outside ran over, and said, "Are you OK?"

She had heard both cracks from a distance away.

I think so.

The kids also came over to check on me.

I was hurt, but I don't blame them for laughing.

It's funny when your teacher walks into two things within 10 seconds with HER EYES OPEN.

So, I got a small cut and bruise at the bridge of my nose where my glasses sit.

By the time I got home from school and a late meeting, Eli took one look at me and said, "Oh my God!  What did you do?!"

I tried to play it cool, "Wha??"

"Uh, Shannon, you look like a toucan."

I did. 

I totally looked like a toucan. 

My nose was swollen out, and looked like there was a ledge on it.

"I do not!!"

"Yes, you do.  What did you do to your nose?"

So, I had to tell my story to Eli. 

He said, "Well that's what you get for playing a game with your eyes shut."

"My eyes were open."

"Oh.  Well, you're not too bright, then."

Perhaps. 

But, now the students think I'm the cool teacher who almost knocked herself out to play Grounders with them.